So as I am driving home, I turn on Coast to Coast AM and listen to the news about the Japanese earthquake and the tsunami that followed. As I approach my neighborhood, I proceed to pack myself a substantial bowl and smoke it. I finally get to my house and park, my mind drifitng off to night-time day dreams of good beer and a nice bed. For a moment I find myself wishing that I was transported into that new Friskies commercial. At last I am at my door; I walk in, brush my teeth, hop in bed, and turn on the news.
"Warning!" the newscaster says, "Tsunami warning for the west coast!" My interest is sparked at this moment as I live relatively close to the coast in southern California. As I turn up the volume, the newscaster directs my attention to an "expert" who will speak more about what this tsunami warning for the west coast means. "Cities like Los Angeles are in some very serious danger right now," he says.
"Exactly what kind of danger, (insert irrelevant, common newscaster name here)?" the female host asks.
"Well as the wave travels towards the west coast there are two possible scenarios," he says sternly. "The most alarming scenario would be that the wave, which as we heard is traveling about as fast as a jet engine, picks up steam as it heads towards the coast. So as it starts to arrive, which we have heard could be any time from around 8:30am to 10am, it can really cause some serious damage possibly equal to the damage in Japan."
"Wow," the the host says as I realize that my mouth has dropped and drool is falling towards my shirt in a long stream. "And what is the second scenario?"
"Well the second scenario is that the wave actually loses power like ripples in a pond. The frequency and intensity should lessen as it moves further away from the epicenter."
"Well let's go back to that first scenario. I mean lets look at the video of the tsunami hitting again [video plays]. . . Just look at all those cars, houses, boats... some on fire being carried like they were nothing. Those living on the west coast and watching this should surely have some substantial fears."
At this point I find myself starting to get really anxious. I imagine my Friskies cat pal being pummeled by a tsunami and only leaving shreds of unrecognizable organs, tufts of hair, and entrails once the wave pulls back.
Then I snap out of it. I remember that most corporate media are fear mongers because fear is what brings the ratings. It for god-damn sure worked on me. Once they said Tsunami and Los Angeles in the same sentence, I had to sit there and listen. But as I came out of my stoned stupor and remembered the rules of television and ratings, I calmed down, turned on Conan, and went to sleep.
I still woke up at little nervous though. I must have been dreaming about the tsunami because I woke up promptly at 8am with the tsunami on my mind. I turn on the T.V., remembering that the newscasters said the tsunami should start hitting us around 8:30am, and what do I find? Everything is okay, for the most part. Crescent City and Santa Cruz were damaged a bit, but nothing major... nothing like the exponentially worse tsunami that was supposed to be as cataclysmic or worse than Japan. And as for Los Angeles and many of the surrounding coastal cities, where I live, the reports came in from actual scientists from Cal Tech, not newscasters, that everyone and everything 4 ft above sea level and higher should be perfectly fine, and that was the worst case scenario.
Therefore, my hatred towards corporate media is reaffirmed. There is something inherently wrong in making news and information about, very often, very serious things a vehicle to generate revenue. If everything is always okay, why would you ever watch? Doom and gloom gets you to watch because then you might feel that you're next. Anyway, this rant is over... back to Friskies Land... (insert bong toke noise here)...
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